The following is a monologue that Matthew Brian Cohen and I wrote in a sketch class this year. The assignment was to write a sketch in the voice of an existing sketch series. Matt and I are huge Kids In The Hall fans. We both wanted to do something unique to the series, so we decided to write a monologue. Kids In The Hall monologues - particularly the ones delivered out of character, as the performer - are brilliantly funny and absurd, but maintain an oddly compelling internal logic set up by their beginning. We wrote this in the voice of Bruce McCulloch. I hope it does him justice.

BRUCE ISN’T AFRAID OF TRAINS

People always say I’m afraid of trains. I’m not. There are a lot of good reasons not to ride trains beyond an explicit fear. For instance, people die. And not just on, but in, and around them. Trains split up families. I’m not afraid. I’m a family man.

Another instance - have you ever heard them? I haven’t, but everyone I know says they’re loud. Am I going to throw my eardrums to the wolves just to save what, 20, 30 minutes on my commute? Sorry wolves, but I want to hear my boys when they run to greet me every night. “Daddy! Daddy! Why do you get home so late, and leave so early? We miss you!” Sorry kids, Daddy has to walk…chooses to walk. Boys, your brave old dad’s not going to let some roaring reaper on wheels outsmart him. Do trains have wheels? The point is, I choose not to know. I choose life.

What’s so great about being on a train anyway? What do people do on there? Nap? I can nap. I do it every day when I get to work. Do you know how exhausting it is to walk 20 miles, twice a day, 5 days a week? Incredibly exhausting.

I’m not afraid of trains. I just don’t have the time. What, am I supposed to just wait around for some wild train to snatch me up and take me wherever it decides? Did you know that you’re 10 times more likely to be swallowed be a train than struck by a vehicle while walking Blind Man’s Curve after dark? I can easily imagine that statistic. So no, I’m not afraid of trains. I just know better than to mess with Mother Nature.