This is a long reblog, and everyone who follows me probably follows others who also have/will reblog this, but I want to thank Benjamin for eloquently expressing exactly what I just didn’t know how to. Please read. Thanks Ben.

benjaminapple:

Whenever I have seen a male put his hands around a female’s neck or in a female’s face, as a joke or otherwise, or even put his arm around her neck as if in affection, but in a way that yokes her in kind of a half-headlock … any of these things signal to me that this person is not to be trusted, with anyone but especially with women. Nobody with a shred of sense could think that this use of his body towards hers demonstrates respect or a caring mindset, so they are either senseless or have some sort of cruel/controlling streak.

But it is true, Katey, that most “good guys” have very little knowledge of what it is like to be a woman. Obviously no first-hand experience, but usually almost no serious second-hand experience either. I think most guys think that the worst a woman ever experiences is one cat call per summer, or an auto mechanic trying to rip her off a little. I grew up in the suburbs and spent most of my time around “wholesome” families, and this was how I understood things. The quotes don’t mean sarcasm, just convention. Anyway, when I was in college I heard some female friends talk about being yelled at by guys in cars while they went jogging. They said this very casually, as if it was no longer even a thing to them, and I was shocked. I said, “They yell at you?” “Yeah, all the time.” “What do they say?” “Just stuff. You just ignore it.” This took some time to sink in. I suddenly felt super naive about what it was like to be a woman.

Since moving to New York I have heard dozens of stories from close friends about being “stumbled into” by drunk strangers, followed for blocks, stared at grossly on the subway, and aggressively harassed by crazy people. Constantly treated like only an object. One time this summer I was walking down the block with a broker who was going to show me an apartment. He spotted some woman he thought might be “sexy,” and said to ME, loud enough for her to hear as we walked a mere ten feet behind her, “Is she sexy? I can’t see her face. Is she sexy?” I was humiliated and depressed for everyone involved that this guy was so comfortable treating a woman as an object built to satisfy him, and so comfortable assuming that other men thought the same way, that he would think pose this question to me at all, much less within earshot of the very woman he was degrading.

I realize now that the average woman has developed, by necessity, a sort of emotional and mental strength that men not only don’t have, and won’t ever need to have, but also don’t understand and don’t see the need for. In the course of my life I’ve been in very few situations wherein I had to quickly assess and avoid a real threat to my livelihood or that of my friends. Guys don’t know that every woman living in this city has been viewed, approached, and spoken to - sometimes touched, “stumbled into,” or worse - aggressively, disconcertingly, degradingly, threateningly - dozens or hundreds of times in her life. It is insane.

Now when I see an obviously weird or aggressive guy approach a woman on the street, I stop and watch in case he crosses the line from a scary nuisance to a scary threat. It’s hard to judge because of how often it happens and how good women are at ignoring it. It actually makes me feel a little helpless and embarrassed. I’m frozen thinking, “That guy is acting insane, I should get ready to punch him,” and the woman he’s growling at or reaching toward is just calmly standing on the curb waiting for the light to change, acting like nothing is wrong and she isn’t being harassed or abused by a dangerous human being. Then the light changes and she crosses the street and I keep walking in the other direction and think “I can’t imagine dealing with that every day of my life.”

We really do live in two completely different realities. It makes me very sad to think of how impossible it seems to get all of this to change in the next decade, century, or longer. Very scared for any daughters I may have some day. At the same time I’m impressed by every female in the world for just getting by, much less having productive, peaceful, happy lives, despite living in an alternate and far more difficult universe than the one I live in.

healywu:

I am sorry to reblog myself, but this is important and since it went up over the weekend I am not sure that everyone got a chance to see this. I want people to understand that they live in this rape culture, and I want them to understand how their behavior affects people.

Basically, QUIT BEING…